SaintMom Blog

An answer to one of my questions -

A couple of posts ago I talked about grieving and that it seems to be selfish of us, since we should want for Dustan to be in Heaven, pain and cancer free. I have done nothing but think about Dustan for the past 2 days and a LOT over the past several months.

We grieve because we are human. God made us in His own image - full of love and compassion. Here on earth we love. We love SO MUCH that it hurts us to have to let go of someone when they pass away. So, to answer my own question, I don’t think it’s selfish to grieve. I think it’s healthy. God gave us tears and hearts for a reason. He taught us to love. He taught us to care about others. And when we care so deeply and love someone so much - we hurt when they hurt. And when they’re gone, we just really miss them being here with us. And we are so privileged to have known them in their life. The feelings are overwhelming. It was such a blessing to know Dustan.

I’m sure you all can see part of my grieving in my posts. They have gone from humorous every day stuff to talking about God, grieving, etc. The only sad part about really grieving, is that some people only talk about God and Heaven when someone dies when they should be talking about it every day.

I cried when I read April’s e-mail today. I cried when I got off the phone with Kenny today. I cried at church, in my bed, and in my car. I even cried in the shower. And I was only friends with this family. Dustan was just so touching and his message so powerful that it has affected us all so greatly.

I cannot imagine the pain that the family is feeling if my own pain is this great. When I saw Zach yesterday afternoon for the first time in a week (he’s been at Church camp) I cried. When my girls came home from their grandmother’s house this afternoon, I cried. I am crying now and it’s 12:23 am. I just can’t sleep. I somewhat feel that my words help me to deal with this hurt, not only for me, but for so many of you who are reading this. It’s just a hard and confusing time for us all and we just all need to stick together like MJCA is so good at doing. And also, our community is so great. I love Mt. Juliet. And I love all of you. And for those of you whom I am close friends with and/or our children are close - I love you and your children so much. I am TRULY blessed.

Do you ever wish the world would just stop for a few minutes when something like this happens? I do. I felt this way when Tonya died. She was my best friend from high school. She died when I was 17 years old in a car wreck. I was so mad at the world for continuing every day life when someone so great had just died. When Myra died a couple of years ago I was again struggling with how the world could just go on. Now that Dustan is gone I am back in that place - just wanting the earth to stop revolving for a little while. It may sound wierd. It’s just me. It’s those deaths that are surprising to us that throw us into the shock factor. Although it hurt me and I still miss them, I didn’t feel this way as much when my grandparents died. You’d think I would have even more then…but I guess you just expect them to pass and prepare yourself for it without even realizing it.

When I pray - I imagine myself at the feet of God, resting my head in his lap while he rubs my head as he sits on a throne. Please continue to pray for this family, for the next 2 days will be the hardest in their lives, I’m sure.

If you don’t have God, you have nothing.

Church was emotional for me this morning, of course. Even though there wasn’t much sleep last night, I woke up all of the kids that stayed at our house and took them to church with me this morning.

Now I’m sitting at my desk updating my website with the funeral arrangements and I’m just thinking - this life is so temporary. We are only here for such a short period of time. I believe the Bible describes our life here on earth as like a vapor, just here one minute and gone the next.

So why do we work so hard in our lives to make ourselves so comfortable? It is a human behavior that I’m looking at right now and don’t understand. I am the same way. I strive to earn money to make sure my family lives comfortably…for what? The only TRUE thing we need to make sure we get in this life is our salvation. God. Nothing else matters. A nice home, a nice car, cool clothes, jewelry, vacations, computers, cell phones, cameras, MP3 players….NONE of it matters. At the end of our life on this earth, the only thing that matters is if we were a Christian. That is what determines our ETERNITY.

I am a Christian. And everyone in my immediate family is a Christian now and have all been baptized. So, I know that when I go, I’m going to Heaven. It’s like this earthly time we have is just our test to see if we believe enough to get to the real reward. It should be our MAIN GOAL in life to minister to everyone we know and make SURE that they are believers of Christ. Our main goal should not be to build our perfect dream home in a few years and to make sure it has a pool. Our dream home has already been made for us in Heaven. It is more than we could ever imagine. It is my goal to get to that place one day.

That doesn’t mean I’m ready to go today. On this earth we value our relationships, our love with our families and friends. We can’t imagine not being able to see our children grow up and have families of their own. We do get a lot of joy out of our time here on earth. We can also have grief, which a lot of us are experiencing now. Is it selfish to grieve? Is it selfish of us to wish that Dustan could have been here longer? He would have been here in a body that was causing him pain. Isn’t it better that he is gone? I guess it is, but it sure doesn’t feel better. Our hearts still hurt. Our tears still flow. We will miss Dustan. We feel that it was too soon for him, but only God knows when your time on this earth is finished. Who are we to question God?

There are so many unanswered questions. There are SO MANY questions! I have learned that every question doesn’t have to be answered. Everyone feels differently and may have different answers to those questions. But again, even the questions that we have don’t even matter, we will understand it all when we get to Heaven.

I am not perfect. I don’t have the answers. And I’m grieving. I pray that God will teach us to see past our sorrow in these situations and really just praise Him for Dustan’s salvation.

The only question that matters is, “Do you have God?”

Got Purpose?

So at this moment I am sitting in a lawn chair on my driveway watching Zach and his friends play basketball. I invited them all over to be together after such an emotional day.

It is the lot of man to grieve over the loss of loved ones. For the Christian, the hope we have in Jesus carries us through any such time of sorrow or pain (1 Thessalonians 4:13).

At an earlier moment today I was sitting in room 6424 at Vanderbilt Childrens Hospital watching my good friend, Dustan Gammon, take his last breaths here on this earth. I watched as his mother and father kneeled at his side in complete despair. My heart is broken right now, but it still is nowhere near what I’m sure April and Kenny Gammon are feeling. Sweet, sweet Dylan…upset, but trying to comfort everyone else, embraced me when I walked into the room and we cried together for a moment. I listened as the nurses that Dustan knew so well sang to him, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…” I watched as most of the senior class came in and saw the realization of their fears and then met with a counselor after the passing. Such a sad, sad day.

And by the way, for all of you who called and left voice mails, or sent text messages, I’m sorry that I didn’t answer for a while. I was already at the hospital when all of you began your calls and messages. And I would also like to thank all of you on behalf of the family for all of your prayers for them and for Dustan.

Dustan passed somewhere near 1:30 pm or so this afternoon at Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital. He was on morphine to make him comfortable and not feel pain. His sweet little face, his precious family, his eternal peace. The emotions were overwhelming.

As with many deaths, we look to the positive to get us through. The positive being that Dustan is no longer in pain, his body no longer full of fever, his cancer is gone. Although it may have taken his physical body from this earth, his sweet soul is now in Heaven, next to Jesus, his best friend.

I have asked myself so many questions that before today I thought I would know the answers to. Of course the “WHY” question comes up. And of course we know that the why is that it was God’s will.

Today I wore a shirt to the hospital that reads “Got Purpose?” on the front. It is so significant to me. After you’re gone from this earth, your purpose in life is what you leave behind for others to remember you by. Most of you who know me know that since my good friend Myra Gibson died a couple of years ago, I have been much more active in the school, with the kids and with anything I can be helpful with. It has become my purpose to be a tool for God. Sometimes it is overwhelming to know that God is working through you.

Isn’t it great to be able to see Dustan’s purpose? Our God is not a mean God, so why would He put a child on this earth only to take him a way 18 years later? It was for a purpose. God used Dustan to touch so many hearts. His faith was so strong that it made so many question the strength of their own faith. Dustan’s message to us was so powerful. His message was to completely give it all to God, no matter what. Dustan went out to the end of a pier a hundred miles out into a raging ocean and stormy sky and stepped off the pier into the water with the faith that God would catch him, and He did catch Dustan.

Another part of Dustan’s message is this: What is YOUR purpose? What will people remember you by when you’re gone? Will people know you were a strong and faithful Christian? Or will there be that talk of “Was he/she a Christian?” Make yourself known. Find your faith and make it stronger and then show it off. Let your light shine for everyone to see. Don’t just be neutral, or quiet or just sit around and waste your time on this earth. HOW WILL YOU BE REMEMBERED? Get up and do something. Help someone. Help to lead someone to Christ. Make a difference in this world.

Find your purpose.

Dustan Gammon Update

I believe I will begin putting the Dustan updates on my blog. So many of you ask me about them, so from now on you can check here. As soon as I get one, I’ll post it on this blog.

Good Morning Prayer Partners……

Sorry it has been so long since my last update. I know many of you are concerned about Dustan and how he is doing. It is just so hard to find the time to sit at my computer to do my updates. When we were in the hospital it was much easier since the computer really became my life. Now that it is summer I just cannot make myself sit in front of the computer. We are trying to stay on the go and enjoy being outside. So forgive me.

As far as Dustan we are still moving forward. We go to the clinic twice a week for blood work and transfusions. (blood and platelets) As far as the blood work it is still showing leukemia cells. Dustan has made several decisions with his treatment that the doctors do not agree with but we have prayed and sought God’s direction and we do have peace with this decision. The doctors really want Dustan to be put back in the hospital and go through 6 to 12 months of chemo and then do another bone marrow transplant. Dustan did not want to go through this process again. So the doctors have said that he can do different medicines and stay outpatient.

All along this journey we knew God was in control of our lives. As He still is. God would never lead us on a path and abandon us. So we still stand on His promises and know that He will take care of Dustan. As we watch Dustan once again struggle with this horrible disease we know who will win this battle. God will and has!!!!! As a mother it is very difficult to lay your child at the feet of Jesus and say, Thy will be done. This is where I am. I have asked Jesus to give me peace with His will. For I know He loves Dustan much more than I do. All good things come from God and only God.

Does this mean we have given up the battle? NO. Everyday we get up with the anticipation that God will completely heal and restore Dustan’s body. Do I believe He can? I know He can. Sometimes God ask for our complete willingness to be obedient to His word and His ways. This was in my devotion today: These could have been my words.
You see, I have not learned to trust God in the easy ways of faith. I have not learned to trust God by reading a book or listening to a great sermon. Nor have I learned to trust God by hearing how my friend trusts God. No, I am learning to trust God by stepping out into an adventure of obedience and discovering for myself that He is trustworthy.

I will try to keep you updated as much as I can. Continue to lift our family up to the throne room of God. I know each of you do and we appreciate and feel those prayers constantly. We thank God daily for your prayers and friendships.

Prayer Request:

Pray for Dustan to feel better. He has been running a fever and is very tired.

Pray for us that we will continue to walk in God’s path and wisdom.

Praise Reports:

God is still in control. Things that are impossible with man are Possible with God.

I leave you with words from Smith Wigglesworth:

The plan of God for your life is that you should be held captive by His power, doing that which you in the natural world would never do, but that which you are forced to do by the power of the Holy Ghost moving through you.

Our journey continues…..

Resting in His arms,

April

Today I am thankful that God leads the way.

What do you want for your birthday?

How often are you faced with this question…? Maybe…once a year?

Well, today is my birthday and my husband asked me last week what I wanted for my birthday. At a certain point in your life your birthday gift begins to be less about buying gifts and more about relaxing. So, I told my husband that I just wanted him and the kids to clean the house, like REALLY clean for me and I wanted to go out with my girlfriends on the lake (which I did). So he planned to clean on Saturday, right? He gets up very early and GOES FISHING for 3 hours or so. Then he comes home and starts cleaning like he’s in a hurry! And, so, the cleaning isn’t done right and it’s just a kind-of effort to say he cleaned. Come to find out, the reason he’s in a hurry is because he wanted to go fishing again that afternoon! SO he “cleans” for a few hours and then takes off to go fishing again! And he wonders why I’m disappointed? While he went fishing for the 2nd time in the same day, I stayed home and cleaned. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ME!

Now, I do love my husband and I am married to a GOOD MAN…however, what is the deal with this? He says nothing he does is good enough for me, I say try a little harder to do it right! I mean, goodness, don’t ask me what I want for my birthday and then act like it’s a burden to do it for me!!!??? Anyway, I’m over it, but it was disappointing.

On a brighter note, I did another photo shoot last night! I did Elle’s pictures for her mom’s birthday. Jan and I share the same birthday - so, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Jan! We took the pictures, and then I had a little cookout just for us and Debi and Kenny, Tim & Elle and Stephen & Kristen. We lit a candle on a birthday cake and I video taped us singing “Happy Birthday” to Jan and I put it on my website for her to see. She is in D.C. until July 18th, and I know she is homesick, especially on her birthday, so this was an attempt to bring us to her, via video. Then I also put the pictures of Elle on the website for her to see. Elle looked GORGEOUS in the pictures. Of course we do a lot of work on the pictures to edit certain things, but I was very pleased with the outcome. And Zach was going crazy over the pictures - Elle is his girlfriend and he thinks she just hung the moon.

Well, I’ve rambled on again today. Before I leave you all, don’t forget to keep Dustan Gammon in your prayers. The last I heard he was still doing oral medications at home. Also, Tim Carver, a friend of mine is having back surgery today and I’d like to remember him in prayer as well. Today I am thankful for ME since it’s my birthday, but I’m thankful also for the freedom to pray for whatever or whomever I’d like.

My picture of the day is a couple of my shots of Elle. You can see the rest on my website if you’d like. www.saintmom.com/Elle.html

Overwhelmed with Blessings

Have you ever really stopped to think of how blessed you are? None of us do it as much as we should, I’m sure. I happened to have a blessing realization overload one day last week. It was so strong that it still has a hold of me. I was sitting at our pool on Tuesday during the little lunch break for Carly’s swim meet. I was just sitting there eating my lunch and BA BAM - I’m overwhelmed with realizing how blessed I am! God has chosen me to be the mother of my kids. He allows me to watch them grow, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. My ex-husband has passed away - it’s like it just hit me that he is really gone, dead. It is so sad. I just can’t seem to understand it all. I get to be here on this earth with these gorgeous kids and I get to be blessed every day! I have a wonderful home, husband, children, wonderful friends. And in any instant it can all be taken away. And still, I’m here. I have this wonderful privilege of being in this world, surrounded by all of my family and my great friends. I thank You, God. SO much.

Now, for a funny note. I’ve been doing little “photo shoots” of people, like today I did Casey down at the commons area of Willoughby Station. Some of the pictures are on my website if you’d like to see them. It’s really for a hobby, but the more I do it, the more I learn. And I’ve had a couple of people ask me to do shots of their kids, so I figured I’d practice on mine first. So I did Casey today, right? Now Zach keeps coming in my room, in different clothes, modeling for me, pretending HE needs a photo shoot because he’s so “hot”. Oh goodness, if he knows I put this on here, he’ll kill me and make me remove it. He first came in here in a sleeveless UnderArmour shirt and he was flexing his muscles. Then he came in here in an Abercrombie button up white shirt with it unbuttoned a little at the top, he floated out of his bedroom and leaned up against the doorframe of my bedroom, posing. I have been cracking UP at him! He says that Abercrombie is going to want him to be a model and he’s going to be rich. Watch out, world! Zach is a rising star!

So tomorrow I’m going on the lake for my birthday with a couple of good friends, Rosemary and Debi. Just a girls day on the lake on Rosey’s boat. My birthday is Monday - I’ll be 33, I know, getting on up there! I’ll vent to you all about my “birthday gift” later in another posting. Don’t have enough energy for it tonight -

My picture of the day is of one of my favorite pictures from today’s photo shoot with Casey. I added that soft “glamour” type softness over it. Tell me if you like it.

Today I am thankful for all of my many blessings God has given me. They are too numerous to list, but of the most important, my family. MY CUP RUNNETH OVER.

What’s your OCD?

OCD = Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Everyone is OCD about something! Or, I call it OCD, but I guess it could be called something else. Like, pet peaves….or repetitive things you do. For instance, I can remember telephone numbers very well, or numbers of any kind most of the time. The girls in my office call me the freak because I can remember almost every number I’ve actually dialed. It’s becoming harder though in the age of cell phones where you don’t really dial a number, you only dial from contacts. One of my wierd things is remembering odd things though. Aaron thinks I’m nuts because I know the address for the Jay Leno show : Headlines c/o The Tonight Show, 3000 West Alameda Ave. Burbank, CA 91523. How did I remember that? Who knows. I also have a wierd deal where I right air numbers on my leg when I’m thinking of them. So if someone tells me a number, I’m writing it (without realizing it) on my leg with my finger, or even sometimes in my mind! We are all strange people! I don’t like to see people picking at their toenails - YUCK! My dad can’t STAND for someone to talk about their teeth…he cracks me up when someone does start talking about them. My husband can’t stand to hear gum chewing. So, what’s your OCD? Another one of mine is that I can’t sleep with my bedroom door shut if my kids are home…it has to be open, I guess so I can hear them while I sleep. Hopefully all of you do have an OCD type thing and it’s not just me! Let me know! I know that this blog is getting a lot of hits, so I know you are reading this..!

So anyway, my friend Becky had her baby last Friday (on the 13th!!!) and his name is Luke. This afternoon she came over and we went over to my common area at Willoughby Station and took a few pictures of her and the baby. He is such a cute baby! Becky and I have been friends since middle school when we went to the school right next to MJCA which was then called Mt. Juliet Junior High School. Wow…wouldn’t want to go back to those days!

Well, it’s about time for me to begin my evening ritual of showering and getting comfy for the night. I’m getting old for sure.

My picture of the day is a picture I took today of Becky and her baby boy (finally after 3 girls!) Luke.

And, (taught by April Gammon) today I am thankful for my husband. He’s out mowing the lawn right now…he’s a good man.

Does life ever slow down? And if so, do we really want it to?

So yesterday I had to go to the dr. about my feet swelling and I have to go back Friday morning for a complete physical. Yesterday I also had to take the kids to and from VBS at my church. I also had to go to the dentist for what I thought would be a re-treat on a prior root canal from the fall. Come to find out, he can’t find another root and he thinks my tooth is cracked to the root. So, now I have to have it REMOVED on Thursday! I also had to work on responding to e-mails yesterday that I missed while I was out of town at church camp with the girls. But after the dentist appointment, I was in so much pain, I was literally sick and crying for a couple of hours. I had to drive to get my pain medicine (which I hate to take and most of you know why) and drive home and get myself all doped up and in bed. My tooth hurts so bad that I can only compare it to the only real pain I’ve ever known - c-section recovery! WOW.

So then today Carly had her very first swim meet and I was there from 9:00 this morning until about 2:00. I was up all night sick from the pain of my tooth. Tomorrow it’s back to VBS and work, and then Thursday is the tooth removal, the VBS open house, the day Zach comes back from Florida and something else is going on that day and I can’t remember. Then Friday is the physical, water day at VBS and work.

Now, my point is to just show how crazy my life is! I complain about it sometimes, about wanting things to slow down, but everything we do is really optional. I don’t HAVE to take my kids to VBS, but I choose to. I don’t HAVE to do lots of things but I choose to. If my life weren’t so busy and full, would I feel lonely or worthless? I don’t know the answer to that right now because my life is so busy and full. I was really looking forward to the kids getting out of school so that I could maybe take a rest, and now I’ll need them to go BACK to school before I can rest OR get any REAL work done around here. It’s worth it though, I can tell that my relationsihp with my kids has grown a lot since I have been able to work from home. A lot of times I’ll sit in my office and run quotes and stuff at night, answer e-mails, etc. I am very fortunate to work for such a great company that allows me variance in my work times.

I don’t really want my busy life to slow down too much…that means my kids are getting too big to need me anymore…or that Zach is driving! WOAH…

Anyway, I can tell I’m rambling on about nothing, (it’s the pain medicine for my tooth) so I’ll let you all be. By the way, I hope you all are having a great summer!

My picture of the day is of Carly with her ribbon from the swim meet. She came in 1st place in her division in the BACK STROKE. I’m proud of her!

I’m older than my age!

Oh my goodness! What a week we had at church camp last week. It was full of fun and worship for the kids, and I really enjoyed it as well. Except for the heat and the walking of course! We had to walk probably at least a half of a mile to the cafeteria to eat, then back 3 times a day and also had to walk to the auditorium for worship. My poor ankles and feet were so swollen when I got home! I actually had to be in the bed with them up for a very long time…and now I’m sore from lying in the bed! Waaa waaa waaa….I’m just a big ole baby. But I do think I’m older than my age!

You can see the video I made of Carly and Casey at church camp on the front page of my website. I may edit it later when I get the other pictures and music from camp.

Zach is in Florida with his cousin, Kody. When he gets back he’ll be here for 3 days before he leaves for Centrifuge for a week. Will and Joe are going with him again. THAT is an awesome camp for kids! I will probably take an MJCA group to that one next summer.

Then, in July we are going to PC Beach with Debi & Kenny and Bruce. We can’t wait!

Well, that’s all for now. I need to get back to work. Just wanted to drop a line to you all while I was eating my lunch!

My picture of the day is of the girls at church camp this last week. They are awesome kids.

There is no such thing as the perfect day…

So, I planned for a babysitter for the girls today so that I could go to the pool with my girlfriends and just chill…something I don’t do often. I had a great time…there were about 7 of us and we were at the pool for 6 hours! The weather was perfect. I had a cooler with water and sodas and my lunch (sandwich, chips & chocolate pudding..yum). I had great conversation all day with my friends…it felt great. I had let all of my worries go away for half a day or so.

Aaron was gone fishing when I got home, so I started some spaghetti for supper. Zach heads out the door to go to Elle’s house and tells me about our water heater leaking. BAM! All the stress comes right back as I walk out the laundry room door to the garage to see the bucket he had put underneath it to catch the water. Come to find out, it had been like that for a few hours and he had called Aaron. Aaron didn’t seem to think it was a big deal so didn’t come home from fishing. No one had told me about it so I had no way of knowing I should have been at home taking care of this issue today. By the time I found out about it (7:20 pm) all of the stores that would sell that kind of thing were closed. Needless to say, I was mad. Tonight is the night I was supposed to get all of our laundry done to pack for church camp with the girls. We’re leaving on Tuesday morning at 7:30 and I need to get a head start. I was fuming. Then…

I thought about my friend April Gammon. I’m sure she wished she only had to worry about the water heater going out or getting laundry caught up for church camp. Who am I? “Get over yourself” is what I was thinking. “Who cares? It’s just a water heater. Quit your whining!” For those of you who may not know, April is Dustan Gammon’s mother. Dustan is battling leukemia at this time. He is an awesome kid and I’m so glad I’ve gotten to know him. He and his family have taught me a lot. They have especially taught me to thank God each day for my blessings…and my cup runneth over with blessings, sometimes I just fail to see them in front of me.

So, with that being said, Today I’d like to thank God for those blessings in my life and for friends who teach me to see them all.

Today’s picture of the day is a picture of our “Gammon Yard Day” back in April. I just want to remind Dustan and his family how much they are thought of, loved and prayed for every single day. MJCA loves you!